Baby, You Make Me Wish I Had Three Hands
Written by: Steve Orlando
Art by: Hugo Petrus, Aco, Romulo Fajardo Jr. and Tom Napolitano
Cover Price: $2.99
Release Date: March 2, 2016
There are times in one's life when you look around and wonder why you don't love something that everyone else seems to love. For me, it was the Nintendo Entertainment System, but that's not a good example here because I was dead wrong...it was awesome and I was just being a very early version of a hipster prick. Yea, I had to get the Sega Master System to prove that all my friends were wrong, but while they were battling King Slender for the VWA Championship, I was playing Ace of Aces. I know the timing is not balls on accurate here, but you get the point, right? No, well then you passed the test and realize that all this is just a dream...or is it? Actually, I'm sorry to tell you this, Mr. Quaid, but you've suffered a schizoid embolism - we can't snap you out of your fantasy. Think about it, your dream started halfway through the introduction. Everything after that, the NES, the Sega Master System, King Slender - are all elements of me having absolutely nothing to say about Midnighter. Harry told you not to fuck with your brain, but you didn't listen.
This issue opens up in Boston amidst the death and destruction that usually follows both Midnighter and the Suicide Squad. Get them together, like last issue, and that's my kind of party! Actually, it isn't anywhere near my kind of party because there is no pin the tail on the donkey.
Helena Bertinelli and Marina are there and find Midnighter's documentary making friend, Robert, in the rubble. He's all dazed and confused (for so long it's not true) and has some (not so) hilarious face paint courtesy of (a weak version of) Harley Quinn. After Helena tells Robert a bunch of Spyral inside information, he lashes out at them and tells them Midnighter is a good guy. Come on now, Robert. Everywhere he goes gets destroyed and everyone he meets seems to get the shit kicked out of them or worse. Look around. Someone get this guy a mirror. That (not so) hilarious face paint didn't get there by itself!
No matter, because Spyral doesn't have him at the moment...the Suicide Squad does and this isn't like any Suicide Squad you've seen before! I know that sounds like a setup for something awesome, but it's not. Most of the main players are here, but they come off as a bunch of buds hanging out in the Arctic and since when did Amanda Waller start talking like Ed Lover from Yo! MTV Raps? It's no matter, once again, since the cool members all leave and then Midnighter and Waller exchange awful dialogue leading to Midnighter beating up bad guys we don't even know. I know I make it sound so exciting, but hey, I've got the gift of gab.
Midnighter finally gets down and dirty and when he broke Deadshot's hands I did squeal like a sexy pig, but the awful characterization of Harley that Orlando gives us and the forced inclusion of Parasite brought me back out and back to my senses. Oh, by the way, in case you didn't pay attention the other 5,324 times he told us, Midnighter has a fight computer for a brain. Yep, can figure out things, he can. One step ahead, he is. Is that you Yoda? It's me Margaret.
The issue ends with Midnighter not on top for once (Hiyo...Yes!) and in real big trouble. His leather is ripped to hell, he's all tied up with nobody to...fight and the situation keeps getting more and more explosive! You really get a lot of bang for your buck! Great balls of fire! Fuck it, The plane Midnighter is in explodes into a million pieces! Oops...spoiler alert.
Well, I had a lot of fun writing this review.
Hugo Petrus and Aco share art duties and do a pretty good job. The art is in no ways the reason the score below is so low. In fact, it's the reason it is so high.
Bits and Pieces:
There is nothing better than reading a book with great characters and action that combine to give you a thrill ride of emotions that doesn't let you come up for air. I wish I read that book, because Midnighter sucks. Jane, get me off this crazy thing! Oh my nose! Hey Man! Is that Freedom Rock? Yeah, Man! Well, turn it up, man!