Written By: Greg Berlanti, Andre Kreisberg and Brooke Roberts
Directed By: Jesse Warn
First Aired: October 4, 2016
Before we get into this season's premiere let’s get caught up with what happened last season.
Barry acted like a petulant asshole, empowered a dying enemy, cost thousands of people their lives across multiple earths, and then after what seemed like he finally learning his lesson, he went and fucked up the entire timeline undoing all the shit that happened in the past two seasons and the 30 or so years prior. I wonder if his fucking with the time line will lead to him seeing what a shitbag he has been. Nah not really, he is who he is...a fucking dick.
Caught up? Good. Let's get into tonight's proceedings.
The season three premiere episode was pretty good. We are in the Flashpoint world people and shit is different for sure. For starters, Barry's mom and pops are alive and well and watching them interact with Barry is like the worst Hallmark holiday card ever. There are still speedsters running around fighting crime. and Barry is still a fucking asshole.
Turns out Barry has kidnapped Reverse Flash (RF), brought him to the new present day, and put him in a human sized gerbil cage that some how keeps speedsters from using their power. I gotta be honest, being a speedster seems like the worst fucking power ever. Cool you can run fast and shit and do that weird "John McCain waving" thing with your arms that causes small tornadoes, but outside of that what's the point. You can't even get drunk because your metabolism is too quick. I guess you won't get fat so you can eat McRibs all day and that is a plus. Otherwise it seems fucking pointless. It is like having a fast ass wide receiver that can only run one route. Sure you might get 3 plays a year out of him, but ultimately he is taking up space the rest of the season. Barry Allen and these speedster assholes doing just that.
As it turns out the new timeline is all kinds of fucked up. Wally is the Flash, but everyone is degrading him and calling him Kid Flash (KF). If their is no Flash in this world, why would they call him KF? Probably because they are being racist assholes and trying to marginalize him. Did you notice how this fucking stranger, Barry shows up, and everyone is calling him Flash right away? How fucked up is that? Wally has been keeping Star City safe forever and these ungrateful assholes keep shitting on him. SMDH bro!
Also, his main rival is named "The Rival"? What kind of lazy ass bullshit writing is that? I guess they figured that old boy was only going to be around for an episode, why waste a good name like Zoom or RF on him. FUCK!
Sorry, I am just venting, but the more I think about this universe the more perplexing it is to me, like people who support Trump, this universe is either completely insane or the dumbest shit on the planet.
Back to the story. Barry has been stalking Iris like the creep that he is, eventually he uses the inside info he has on her to scoop the digits. He goes back to his parents home, because of course he moved back into the basement at 30, he is an asshole. Even worse, his parents have an offer to rent the space out and he gives them the guilt treatment. Bro, your parents are damn near retirement age, they have a chance at some rental income an and you are cock blocking that shit? Fuck is wrong with you? You really are the fucking worst.
Joe is a booze hound, Cisco is a billionaire and Caitlyn continues to be poorly written. So somethings are different, and some are the same. The gang is back together, they figure out a why to kill off the rival and in the process Wally damn near gets killed. This new world is a fucking mess and once again it is all Barry's fault. He eventually turns to RF who helps him set things right. They reverse the reverse time line and everything is back to normal, or is it? RF warns Barry that shit is pretty much the same, but isn't and he will find out soon enough. Turns out Joe and Iris don't talk anymore, and the guy that played the Rival is still alive.
I think I outlined it pretty well up above but if you need the bullet points here we go:
- Created a new timeline because he was sad
- Moved back in with his parents in his 30s fucking up their prime old people bone down years
- When his mom and dad get a chance to make some sweet side cash renting the basement he gives them the guilt trip costing them at least $1000 a month, money they can use to supplement their retirement savings.
- Stalks Iris and tricks her into liking him
- Oh shit I forgot, he kidnapped Caitlyn, but it's cool, Caitlyn in this world doesn't matter because she will be dead by the end of the episode along with the entire world, so who gives a fuck if he thinks its ok to snatch women out of their homes?
- He practically gets Wally killed
- Then because he is sad, he decides to completely wipe out this timeline, killing billions of people off, to go back to the life he was so sad about last season.