Monday, October 24, 2016

The Walking Dead Season 7 Episode 1 “The Day Will Come When You Won't Be" PARODY Review and **SPOILERS**


Written by: Canyon Smith and Hartley Montgomery
Directed by: Adam Paul Runyon
First Aired: October 23, 2016

EDITOR'S NOTE: THIS IS A PARODY REVIEW, NOT BASED ON THE ACTUAL EPISODE IN QUESTION

Before we get into tonight's season premiere let's get ourselves caught up shall we?  The MFing Walking Dead is a show. It's on TV and I stopped watching it after that one season that was filled with not a lot of action, shitty plot points, unlikable characters and bad decision making by the team. From what I gathered based off Twitter, people trying to get me to watch the show and dipping my toe in the god awful Fear of the Walking Dead is this - not much had changed yet people keep talking themselves into watching this floating trash island because HBO has dropped the ball on quality programming and the Sunday night NFL games are historically bad. So instead of reading a book or exercising they have decided that indulging in an hour of utter tripe is the way to go.  

According to my sources the gang made a bunch of bad to worse choices and are now being held captive by the guy who has a lot of small roles in TV dramas like The Good Wife and Grey’s Anatomy. He is hunky and seems like the Walmart version of Clive Owen so they got that going. The media push has been that 'muthafuckers are gonna die so you best tune in!"  


Caught up?  Good. Let's get into this tire fire if a show. 


Explain It:
We pick up right where we left off last season.  The Janitor has captured the gang and he is going to kill some muthafuckers for ratings. And those ratings are going to be gory as fuck brohammer. Just you wait and see. But first you are going to have to hang around for 55 minutes of utter banality because it's this is the show that spent an entire season on a farm bro!!  IT’S The GOD DAMN Walking Dead. 


We quickly cut to some flashbacks of The Janitors time in the pre-zombie apocalypse to fill him out and help him go from a paper cut out to a full blown real life two dimensional cliché. It turns out he used to work as a tax attorney where he helped small businesses deal with audits and he moonlighted as a high school wrestling coach but since this show takes place in the south they call it wrasslin'. He was eventually exposed for being a pervert because he and his wife were into cucking and the good Christian folk at St Bartholomew’s church and bingo hall cannot stand for that kind of kink. So he was shunned and his wife and kids took up with Pastor Moreland who was also known to have a huge wiener and if the rumor was to be believed used “baptize” his women folk to celebrate their love making if you catch my drift. 

Down on his luck, broke and shamed The Janitor took up a job as a janitor where local high schoolers mocked him by calling him Cuck Rodgers.  Needless to say it stripped his humanity and turned him the real monster of this here zombie apocalypse.  

Back in the present Nigel and the crew are infighting in their holding cell. Chloe serves as the voice of the crew and they are not happy with the way Nigel is running things. Between trading away their water for a bag of knickknacks and old baseball cards and walking them into this well telegraphed trap where according to rumors 'someone's gonna die' they are rightfully steaming.  But if you know anything about Nigel it is this- he is as stupid as he is stubborn - so he doubles down a smacks Chloe to keep the gang in check.  This pisses off Dantrell and Simon but they’re giant pussies so they just gave each other that raised eyebrow look that says 'oh shit he's bugging' and fell right in place.


Turns out Nigel has been in touch with fan favorite Shasta who is in route with Gary and Pauline to break the gang out. Unfortunately they got side tracked when Gary spotted an old copy of OUI magazine in one of the desks at the county clerk’s office while they were looking for the jail key and we all know Gary likes his porn French, so let’s just say he left the water running in the wash room for a really long time.

Unfortunately for the crew The Janitor gets to the prison well before Shasta and her porn aborted rescue mission. The Janitor orders his trusty henchmen Walter-Scott and Donnie to hand cuff the prisoners and bring them the high school gymnasium to face their judgement. 

By the time Shasta and the gang arrive it is too late. The Janitor has the New Bumblefuck townsfolk worked to a lather. They want blood and there is no way Shasta and he trusty butterfly knife can save Nigel and the others now.  The Janitor blusters on about saving our humanity and reminds the townspeople that Nigel sent Charmaine and Cody to plunder their food bank and if they were successful in their marauding the New Bumblefuckers would have starved this winter. He called it "never forgive action" and then wiped his oft runny nose on his sweatshirt sleeve. 


It was now time for Nigel and them to repay their debt to the good folks of New Bumblefuck. The Janitor pulled out his trusty weapon - the one that he used in his rise to power and dubbed 'The executive decision' which is nothing more than an electric carving knife tapped to a lacrosse stick. He then menaced the gang as he walked behind each of them asking the crowd who should pay. The people that got the loudest response were sent to center court where they would meet their maker.  Turns out the town was really racist and sent all the ethnic characters to face justice. I'm talking fan favorites like Rita, Calvin, Darcy and most shockingly Hal who is Nigel's son from his first marriage. The Janitor then proceeded to mutilate these poor souls in the most brutal way possible - in slow motion to Green Day's “Time of Your Life' song. 

We end the episode with a shot of Nigel, who has wet himself, in anguished tears, cradling a baby photo of poor simple Hal while The Janitor stands glowers over him in a menacing fashion. 

Whew. Powerful stuff folks. 

What's Next?:
Who can say? If history is any indicator my guess would poor decision making, inaction, a salty fan base, followed by the promise of ritual sacrifice in the premiere episode of season 9. Why change the recipe when it keeps these dullards coming back for more?

10/10
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