Monday, January 2, 2017

The Great Lakes Avengers #3 Review and **SPOILERS**



Remember the Time We Did That Thing That No One Gave a Crap About?

Writer: Zac Gorman
Artist: Will Robson
Color Artist: Tamra Bonvillain
Letterer: VC’s Joe Caramanga
Cover: Will Robson & Tamra Bonvillain
Cover Price: $3.99
On Sale Date: December 28, 2016

**NON SPOILERS AND SCORE AT THE BOTTOM**

Didja know that all the water in Lake Superior—three quadrillion gallons—could cover North America in a foot of water? It’s true. At least, I assume it’s true. I read it on a list of facts about the Great Lakes and it all seemed on the up-and-up. But you never can tell these days. With me at the reviewing helm of the Great Lakes Avengers, you can be sure I’ll give you the straight, unadulterated truth, if truth can be defined as “my opinion.” But it is unadulterated! Just check it out when you read my review of issue number three of the Great Lakes Avengers!


Explain It!

And now folks, the moment you’ve all been waiting for (despite having had no idea prior to this announcement): the secret origin of Flatman! How did this strange, emotionally-needy man come to have the amazing power to will himself flat? When did he utilize this incredible ability in such a way that made him want to side with the greatest heroes in service of humanity? Why does he have a terrible haircut? Well, it all started “years ago” in Milwaukee, when Flatman was just Matt working as a barista at a coffee shop and doing a piss-poor job of it. It was there that he met Andrew, a cute guy that ran a superhero rental agency of powered folks and mutants that could act as look-alikes for famous heroes. Flatman was a reasonable double for Reed Richards, so at Andrew’s behest he did his flattened-stretchy thing for rich kids’ parties and, uh, comic book conventions, I’d assume. Flatman finds this work unfulfilling, and wants Andrew to partner up with him as more than a boyfriend—he wants Andrew to be his sidekick, Paperboy, meaning he either has some paper-based powers or he’s a mediocre R&B singer from the 1990s. Well, push comes to shove, and eventually Andrew takes off because he doesn’t share Flatman’s desire to be a superhero. In the present, Flatman sends an invitation to Andrew to join the Great Lakes Avengers. And that’s the end of the book—seriously, that’s the last scene in this issue.
And what happens in between is just so interminably dull, it doesn’t warrant a recap. Doorman brings Mr. Immortal back and he tries to take over despite the bad blood between him and Big Bertha, not to mention Flatman already being in charge. Doorman gets pulled to the Void, an ethereal entity he is supposed to serve, to answer for his tardiness. Big Bertha and Good Boy stumble upon Mayor Snerd half out of his Nain Rouge costume after they have a heart-to-heart about nothing in particular. And this is after Mayor Snerd publicly condemns the Great Lakes Avengers on television and bars them from being vigilantes. It’s such a snore-fest, though not a chore to read because the book cuts quickly from scene to scene, so the pointlessness portions are bite-sized. I still think the art doesn’t fit this book, and looks like something you’d expect to see in an advertisement for Danimals. But since this book shouldn’t exist at the plodding story level, I suppose whether the artwork meshes is beside the point.


Bits and Pieces:

This issue has a lot of intrigue surrounding things we have no reason to care about, plus a flashback so boring that it's depressing. Who asked for this book? Can you please stand up so we can have you arrested and subject to the due process of law? This is not to humiliate you. This is about justice.

3/10
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