Monday, November 27, 2017

CRISIS ON EARTH X Review and **SPOILERS**


Written By: Andrew Kreisberg. Marc Guggenheim, Robert Rovner, Jessica Queller, Wendy Mericle, Ben Sokolowski, Todd Helbing, Phil Klemmer, Keto Shimizu

Directed By: Larry Teng (Pt. 1), James Bamford (Pt. 2), Dermott Daniel Downs, (Pt. 3), Gregory Smith (Pt. 4)

First Aired: November 27 and 28, 2017



You probably do not remember me, but I used to write about CW’s The Flash for this very site a few years back. I spent a good year and a half warning the world that Barry Allen was a shit head and that we needed to stop him before he fucked up the timeline or some shit.

Unfortunately America didn’t heed my warning and Barry fucked shit up good. We ended up in a timeline where an orange con artist/moron with an affinity for Nazis is holding the most powerful office in the world.

After some soul searching I have decided to come back and chronicle the goings on in the Arrowverse to try to avoid future disasters like appointing that dimwitted pseudo shaman Jaden Smith to the Supreme Court or some shit.

And what better place to jump back in than with the wildly excellent 4 part crossover event CRISIS ON EARTH MUTHAFUCKING X!!!!!!! (ed. Note: Muthafucking is not part of the title but added for emphasis by this foul mouth rapscallion).

Crisis on Earth X is the crossover event we need, all your favorite TV level superheroes spending 4 hours and 2 nights kicking the shit out of Nazis. This is America asshole, we punch the shit out of Nazis for fun.

Caught up? Good. Let's get to the proceedings. 


Explain It:
It turns out that everyone from the Arrowverse has been invited to Barry and Iris’ wedding but none of these fuckers had the common decency to send their RSVPs in a timely manner. So we spend the first few minutes running through all the different casts awkwardly shoehorning natural conversation about pretending to forget to RSVP to the wedding of some dude they don’t really want to be around…fucking Barry. Oliver and Felicity confirm to us, the viewer, that they are gonna come through, the Legends do the same and then we end up with the cast of Supergirl.

Now I don’t really fuck with Supergirl, I missed the first two seasons and I am woefully behind.  So I can’t tell you too much about what was what with all these assholes but they sure as fuck look like models from a Sketchers ad. Also everyone seems to be sad as shit, I’m talking all sorts of broken hearts and people eating ice cream right out of the pint like fucking savages.

Jump cut to everyone hitting up the rehearsal dinner.  Joe makes some sappy ass toast. I think he still might be drinking too much. Joe you gotta get that shit under control before your baby arrives, you are old as shit and you will need all the energy you can muster to keep up with that child. Booze will not help bruh.

Everyone gets a really good drunk on. Oliver tries to brow beat Felicity into getting married and she makes a scene when she makes it very clear that she is down to pound but she ain’t trying to marry him. Homeboy has a shit ton of felony charges back home in Star City, he is potentially doing a long stretch and old girl ain’t trying to hitch her wagon to some multiple felon. Oh also, Supergirl’s sister and Sara Lance end up having a drunken sloppy hook-up.


The next day is the wedding, shit is hella cheesy, they got Supergirl singing some Michael Buble level bullshit, Mick is forced to sit with the po-po, and fucking Nazis from another planet show up and start fucking shit up. This makes sense, if the universe has taught us anything though the first 4 seasons of The Flash, it is that the universe is just as creeped out by this relationship as the rest of us and will bring down the full power of “Oprah’s Book Club’s The Secret” to stop this atrocity from happening. 


The gang is flummoxed. It turns out that the Nazi swine they were fighting off where their doppelgängers. Luckily we have one of the cool versions of Harrison Wells working at Star Labs and he let's the crew know that in addition to the 52 earths they all know about, there is a 53rd earth, Earth X and that fucker is run by Nazi doppelgängers of everyone on Earth 1.  Earth X must be really fucked up for Diggle and Curtis. 

Some other shit happens and they run through some mushy montages of everyone being contemplative and then muthafuckers start beefing again.  At some point we find out that these Nazi pricks came through Earth 1 because Earth X Supergirl needs a new heart. She got radiation sickness or some shit from flying too close to the sun.  So Nazi Oliver (which when you think about it, sort of is just regular Oliver but slightly more racist), and reverse Flash kidnap our Supergirl and in the process capture everyone and trap them in Star Labs or send their bitch asses to Earth X, with the exception of Iris and Felicity.  And you can bet your sweet ass that sisters are going to work it the fuck out. 


Well at least they did for a while. We got some crafty snooping around and timely Die Hard jokes but eventually the Nazis got em.  Meanwhile Supergirl is being exposed to the red sun draining her power so she is weak enough for Reverse Flash to cut out her heart and give it to Nazi Supergirl.  

Where are the rest of our heroes you ask?  Well these fuckers have been dropped off at an Earth X concentration camp where they have been given power dampening collars, their prospects are looking dim bruh.  Especially when Nazi guard Capt. Lance shows up, brings them to the edge of a mass grave, lines them up and starts the drawn out ready, aim fire bullshit.  Shit is looking grim, when out of nowhere Leonard 'Fucking" Snart comes through and freeze rays the shit out of those Nazi assholes.  



How fucked up is the world we are currently living in (thanks Barry) that the cast of Arrow is tougher on Nazis than the President and the NY Times?  Shit is fucked up, but at least the folks over in the Arrowverse understand the universal truth, that kicking the shit out of Nazis is always a net positive. 

Anyway, Snart and the rest of our heroes make there way to a resistance base that is run by some angry dude who is the doppelgänger of some soft batch fool from Supergirl, but since I don't watch Supergirl I don't really know his deal, he mostly seems like a dick. There is a super secret Nazi base with a portal to Earth 1, and it is our only hope to get Ollie and the gang back to Earth 1.  This dude from Supergirl is all like "Fuck that noise, I don't give a shit if waiting an extra 15 seconds gives you a chance to save your world, I'm blowing that shit up and you are gonna be stuck here with me and my miserable dick face."  Shit is foul g. 

With the help of Snart and his beau, some fellow name Ray, who was pretty awesome outside of his stupid helmet, the gang manages to get back to Earth 1.  Sadly Martin catches a shot in the ribs and it isn't looking good for him, especially since he is leaving Legends to do some work on broadway.  Jax hooks himself up to Martin via firestorm to help him survive the trip back to Earth 1.  Snart decides that he is gonna tagalong with the crew and see what's cracking outside of the Nazi hellscape he lives in.  

Team ArrowFlashLegendsSupergirl kick the shit out of the Nazis back at Star Labs and save the day....for now. Nick and Snart get to have a reunion of sorts, leading to the best exchange of the night when Snart informs Nick that his Earth X doppelgänger died saving cops from a burning building.  Nick threw up in his mouth at this news.  Also, who the fuck who the fuck runs into a burning building to save Nazi cops?  Or are we supposed to believe that on a Nazi planet there is a police department somewhere that isn't filled with violent racists?  I can suspend belief only but so much bro!



Martin is dying super hard right now.  So much so that he is bringing Jax down with him.  Martin forces Jax to drink some special formula that Cisco created earlier in the episode that will break him free of the old timer and Martin buys the farm.  Followed of course by a montage of everyone feeling feelings.  Each episode in the series had a montage of feelings, this in and of itself should have been awful because these shows suck at doing feelings, but it actually worked.  It probably helped that the rest of the show was action packed as fuck and featured Nazis getting the shit kicked out of them, which is something we can all get behind. 

Eventually we get the big show down.  Team ArrowFlashLegendsSupergirl vs. Team NaziArrowReverseFlashNaziSupergirl.  The team from Earth 1 fucks some shit up, wrecking the fuck out of those Nazi assholes.  Supergirl flies Nazi Supergirl into low orbit where she blows the fuck up due to all the radiation in her heart.  Then Earth 1 Ollie puts an Arrow in Nazi Ollie to send that shit bird back in a body bag.  

With the Nazis vanquished we can get back to what were all came here for, Barry marrying his sister.  This gives us an actual Diggle sighting when Barry kidnaps him and forces him to perform his creepy marriage, which Diggle can do because he got one of those online certificates that Reggie has allowing him to marry people.  He is like the notary public of sex bruh.  Barry makes everyone wonder what the fuck Iris sees in him by shitting on her for writing her down her vows.  Ollie and Felicity decide to piggy back on Barry and Iris' special day, once again proving that Iris can't have nice shit without someone else ruining it. At this point I think I feel asleep on the couch so I don't know if anything else happened, and really who cares, we got to watch 4 hours of Nazis getting fucked up.  After the past year on the real world version of Earth X It was the best holiday gift that anyone could have given us. 

Why Barry Allen Is An Asshole This Week:

This was a running segment in my Flash recaps of yore and I liked it so much I decided to bring it back. Barry was pretty solid throughout the whole crossover event, he really only had two major shitheel moments throughout the 4 episodes.

1.   He sidelined the shit out of Wally as per usual by sending him off to some other version of earth to keep Joe and Cecile safe.  Poor bastard just wants to get in the mix and Barry keeps cucking him and sending him around the multiverse like some kind of errand boy.

2.   During the final scene, Barry and Iris are about to recite their vows, Iris pulls out some paper and is ready to talk about how “despite marrying the dude that was essentially her brother for 20 something years – which isn’t creepy at all – she loves Barry” or something gross like that, this asshole Barry is all smug and on some “I don’t need to write mine down” and pushing his glasses on his nose like the nerd bitch that he is. Way to show up your soon-to-be-wife and make her feel bad about herself on the big fucking day.  You’re such a prick.

9.5/10
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

2 comments:

  1. Best Arrowverse review EVER!

    And here I've been keeping a lid on the F'bombs in my reviews because I don't want to make bitches cry while you sit on a skull throne floating in the salty tears of the easily offended. Niiiiiiiice!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Swearing is the only superpower us mere mortals have.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...