A couple weeks ago I made the list of my favorite Saturday Morning Cartoons. What I found out was that many people loved the same things that I did as a kid and that I am a very old guy. The later shouldn't shock me since I look in the mirror every morning and have no idea what the hell happened to that fresh looking whippersnapper who had the world by the balls, but at least I found some like minded souls who enjoyed Thundarr and the Dungeons and Dragons cartoons. Since I gave you my favorites, I figured I'd give you a list of the cartoons that I think are the worst pieces of garbage ever to come through my old JVC Videosphere 3240. Again, I am an old man, so you youngins may not be familiar with some of these, but please, do not go back and watch them at any cost! You have been warned.
5. The Super Globetrotters
This is a bit of an odd pick for me, only because when it aired, I was a big fan. It's amazing what hindsight can do and in this case, it opened my eyes to what might be the most ridiculous and racist cartoon ever to air. The Globetrotters were huge in the 70's (I went on two class trips to see them!) and they already had live action and cartoon crossovers on some of my favorite shows and even had their own cartoon series for Hanna-Barbera. I guess that wasn't enough because in 1979, someone came up with the idea of a show where the Globetrotters were actually superheroes who could transform and fight crime. It was all so ridiculous with Curly Neal transforming into a human basketball, Geese Ausbie producing multiple clones of himself and Sweet Lou Dunbar who had a magical (and HUGE) Afro that contained unlimited gadgets that always seemed to fit whatever situation the Trotters found themselves in. Boy, I loved that Afro so much, but it is so, so wrong. While all of this may sound pretty cool, the actual show was awful. The villains were ridiculous and almost every show had the baddie challenge the Globetrotters to a game of basketball. Really? Okay, watching the Globetrotters play a game of hoops against Attila and his Huns or the Transylvanian Terrors could be good for a laugh, but why basketball? It was obvious these were the Globetrotters...with super powers!
I wish that I was a fly on the wall when this show was pitched. I imagine a board room full of old, cigar smoking big wigs who thought that they were "with it" and "down" with the young people. How else can you explain this show? It was 1991 and Hammer was still hitting the top of the charts, but those in the know (ie: young people) were already bailing on his parachute pants and awful rapping. I know that there was never a chance for an N.W.A. or even an Ice T cartoon (though that would have been so awesome and I want someone to make that right now!), but this was a time when Gangsta Rap was in full effect. So, ABC gave the kids a cartoon about a guy who inherits magical dancing shoes (that can talk) which transforms him into Hammerman, a parachute pants and gold chain wearing superhero. Sounds awful, right? It gets worse. Each show had Hammerman fighting an injustice (the usual ones...racism, bullying, drugs, etc) by shukin' and a jivin'. The network knew that kids love being taught lessons on Saturday Mornings, so the show ended with a puppet version of the magic shoes talking to real children about that week's issues and how to deal them. Definitely not 2 legit 2 quit!
As part of the Saturday Supercade, Q*bert had some good company in the ridiculous department (Frogger, I am looking at you), but there are some things that just shouldn't have ever happened and one of them is Q*bert the cartoon. I get that in 1983, video games were the IT thing and so there was a rush to get them in every single thing possible, but a character who speaks in expletive filled word bubbles in a world made up totally of isometric 3D blocks was not tailor made for a hit show. I'll give the creators props for trying...setting the cartoon in an odd 1950's style town (Q*berg) and having the characters talk were good steps, but there was no reason for this cartoon to ever exist. I don't know about you, but I never met anyone who counted Q*bert as their favorite game, so including the word bubbles, familiar enemies and block hopping couldn't make this awful cartoon anywhere close to watchable.
2. Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling
I was a big wrestling fan back in the day, so this should have been a big hit for me. It wasn't. First off, I wasn't a huge Hulk Hogan fan and was more of a Roddy Piper guy and he was the villain. That wasn't a big thing as it matched what was going on each weekend during the actual WWF. However, the fact that the cartoon didn't feature the actual voices of the wrestlers, was WAY behind on any story lines going on in the actual wrestling and crammed that damn Land of a Thousand Dances video down every viewers throat was a huge problem. Unfortunately, that is just the tip of the iceberg. The animation was horrible, the sound was often out of sync and shit just seemed to go wrong. It was like there was a guy responsible for playing the cartoon live and he always fell asleep on the job! Plus, there wasn't much wrestling...instead, the characters dealt with hokey cartoon situations out of the shitty cartoon handbook. It all came together to become a piece of crap that I never want to see again. Oh, here is an awful promo for it...
1. Rubik, the Amazing Cube
Everyone loves the Rubik's Cube, right? How about a cartoon featuring a magic Rubik's Cube called "Rubik" (clever, huh?) that can talk and fly and do all sorts of wonderful things? No, nobody ever wanted that. We got it, however, and it sucked as much as it sounds...maybe even more. The kicker was that Rubik only had his powers when he was "solved". That's what pissed me off the most as a kid...I was horrible at Rubik's Cube and never could solve that son of a bitch! It was like the cartoon was laughing at me and for all I knew, every Rubik's Cube turned into a magical being when completed. It wasn't all personal though, the cartoon was just terrible with an evil magician as the villain and plenty of opportunities for the Cube to be scrambled. Like dropping it on the floor...or the sidewalk...or the dirt road...you get the idea. To top the shit sundae off, the show dealt with social issues as well as the evil magician and you know how fun that is (see Hammerman above). I hate this cartoon so much it makes my feet hurt.