Someone told the creative team of Bloodlines that there wasn't enough gore in it, and they were like, "Really? Okay," and made the next issue much bloodier. Then they heard there still wasn't enough gore, and they said, "Are you sure? If you say so," and made the next issue that much bloodier. Then the creative team overheard someone say that even now, there still wasn't enough gore, so the team figured that's it, we have one more issue, let's spray veins everywhere. And that's when they learned that what they'd overheard all along was Dan Didio complaining about his pus-filled canker sore.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Bloodlines #6 Review and **SPOILERS**
We’re the Bloodlines Gang and We Take No Guff!
Art By: V. Ken Marion, Sean Parsons, Andrew Dalhouse
Lettered By: Sal Cipriano
Cover Price: $2.99
On Sale Date: September 7, 2016
**NON SPOILERS AND SCORE AT THE BOTTOM**
Why are there so many songs about Bloodlines
And the alien leeches on our spines?
They give us powers
But they slowly devour
Our brains, we commit violent crimes
So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see
Some day we'll find it
The Bloodlines Connection
The killers, the dreamers, and me!
The finale to this story begins with Blake and Haley lying in bed, making some post-coital pillow talk about how little she cares about him, just like old times. Was this all just some terrible dream? Is everything back to normal now? What a relief! I was worri…wait, what’s that in the upper left corner of the first panel? “Then?” Is this a flashback?! Oh no, that means…in the present, Haley is fighting a feral Blake who spews his weird energy powers all over the place! Not unlike that night in the flashback! But there’s no time for dirty jokes, it’s time for action! Blake gets the upper hand for a moment, but then Eddie the Blue Hulk clams him against the wall of the cave, bringing heaps of rock on their heads. This doesn’t faze Eddie the blue meanie, but it kayos Blake, allowing the team to turn their attention to the big grody monster that seems to be at the root of this Bloodlines madness. As the monster priest turns the kidnapped townspeople of Pine Ridge against our murderous heroes, he is suddenly overcome by some kind of attack and he falls to the ground, dead. Turns out that Albert turned invisible and strangled him to save everyone! Except for himself. Albert seems rather shaken by the ordeal.
Eddie takes care of a few monsterisized citizens, then the big baddie ensnares everyone in its hideous tendrils and draws them into what is probably an even more hideous clump of internal organs. Eddie saves everyone by ripping them bodily from the creature, then over several page wallops the bejeezus out of it. If you’ve been enjoying the art in this series as I have, well here’s a whole sloppy mess of it, looking like the best of the best of 90s comics except with less pouches. Eddie does a Street Fighter-style uppercut through the massive beast, that reduces it to a viscous mass of tendrils and teeth. Now to deal with Blake, who was been handily tied to a rock while Eddie was off punching to victor. Duncan, of course, wants to shoot him—this is what he’s wanted the entire series—but Albert tries to convince him that Blake can be saved. Before that debate can really heat up, however, Haley skewers Blake with her Wolverine-esque powers and removes his heart, or the alien spine parasite, or both. Point is, she kills him. DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince were right: girls of the world ain’t nothing but trouble!
The crew regroups topside, with most of the town dead and/or dismembered, and wonders what will become of them, now that they know they will eventually turn into vicious, monstrous killers. They decide it’s high time for a road trip, in a mint-looking GTO previously owned by Blake—hey, he’s not going to need it! Haley takes her own motorcycle and Duncan goes along for the ride, for companionship and also to blow a hole in any of them if they start going bloodthirsty. And so our tale ends, our stalwart friends riding into the sunset looking for adventure and a cure, and probably psychiatric drugs because boy, have they seen some shit. There’s an epilogue that takes place in a bar, some folks are watching the news about the Pine Ridge calamity when one of the patrons asks to switch channels. That creepy girl with the killer purple ghost demon at her command tells them to leave it, and when they deny her she releases the killer purple ghost demon! Monster! That is also probably an alien!
Man, you cannot leave us on a cliffhanger like that! Where’s Bloodlines 2: The Bloodening? What happens with little Suzy Makes-a-Massacre? What about the rest of the crew? Does Eddie ever do it with Dana? And if so, does he have to Hulk out due to his regular body’s infirmity? What about Duncan??? I loved this series, and though the ending was a little too pat for my liking, I am sad to say goodbye to these characters—though they are headed to Metropolis, so maybe we’ll see them in Action Comics? Wouldn’t that be a treat, Superman overwhelmed by alien spine parasites that could only be destroyed by the Bloodlines Gang? Or put him off planet, or whatever. I want to see more of this story, whether in comics or in a drive-in movie theater, and of course I expect to see the same artistic direction employed in any iteration. It’s only right.
Bits and Pieces: