Monday, May 23, 2016

Justice League of America CBS TV Pilot 1997 - Just For the Hell Of It Mondays

In this, our final visit with this strange and glorious version of the Justice League of America, we will take a look at the last... wait... there's still almost 45 minutes of this thing left?  Okay, Okay... In the face of dodgy red-herrings and crippling awkwardness, let's find out if our heroes save New Metro from the Wascally Weatherman?

As we left off, the Flash was questioning our most-likely suspect... which in fiction often translates to least-likely.  Occam's Razor be damned, the sneaky sneak of the weather facility is no more a villain than the Flash himself... though he's just as nerdy... and potentially useless.

We start off back at the Eno Weather Labs, where Tori is being her usual snoopy self.  She ascends to something of a server room that houses the facility's dish.  There she observes via satellite, the Weatherman making his latest threats against the citizens of New Metro.  Tori gets the feeling that something just isn't right.  Why is she seeing this?  It's not being broadcast as of yet... she peers around a bunch of Weather Manipulatory machinery and finds... Miguel Ferrer (!) recording the Weatherman's latest A/V missive!

The Ferrer-man gives chase, until he runs into his own brand of Kryptonite in the form of a closed door.  The 110 lb. Tori out-muscles his attempts at escape, then freezes the door with her Icey fingers.

In a rather unnatural scene shift, the sitcom "wonk wonk" music starts up as we rejoin the boys at the JLA clubhouse.  The Atom is happy to find that Barry was able to "get the stain out" of a piece of his apparel... which is unsettling at best.  Moments later Tori comes a'knockin' and she spills the beans on Eno Ferrer's true nefarious ambition... and hands over a scroll of coordinates for the next attack.

We quickly pop in on B.B. and the boy in their would-be May Octember romance.  This whole thing is just weird... Bea acts like she's not at all into this young fella, but still gleefully accepts the earrings he bought her (which cost him an entire month's allowance, dammit).  Her JLA communicator goes off, and she awkwardly takes her leave.  It's cold showers for you, boy.  Hope you got locks on your door at mom's house.

A News Reporter stands before a cliffside.  The location of the latest attack.  A freak rain shower would have caused a devastating landslide, if not for the JLA's Fire who "cooked" the mud into hardened Earth.  This is sadly a tell-don't-show endeavor, as we join the proceedings after the fact.  Tori pulls up, and the League flocks to her.  Fire's communicator gives the all-clear to "bring her in".  The Leaguers all creepily gaze at Tori while she tries to avoid making eye contact.

While blindfolded and with Atom holding her by the arm, they march Tori under a nearby bridge... okay, not disturbing in the slightest...

Under the bridge, they gang loads up in a sort of capsule and get submerged far under the sea.  They soon arrive at the Justice League's... well, whatever the underwater version of a satellite is... where we meet... Miguel Ferrer?  Only it's not Dr. Eno at all, it's...

J'onn J'onzz the Manhunter from Mars!  Wow, they really went all out for this thing.  It is revealed that earlier he impersonated Dr. Eno at the facility in attempt to get to the bottom of the Weatherman fiasco.  Something seems really familiar about this Mr. J'onzz.

Oh, Winchester... Imagine what Hawkeye would say...
J'onn offers... nay demands, that Tori join up with the League. Going so far as to tell her that her "old life" is no longer there.  We awkwardly (I feel as though I'm using that word a bit much today) shift back to B.B.'s forbidden love as he... hits up an ice cream truck for a vanilla shake (make it a double)... he notices the news report featuring the JLA on the trucks tiny TV, and wouldn'tcha know it, Ms. Fire forgot to remove the earrings he'd gifted her earlier that very day.  Wowee... our little man now knows what's up.

Back at the sub-tellite, Atom gives Tori a pep-talk including his own secret origin.  We observe a bit of a montage with J'onn training Tori on harnessing her powers.  Shortly the Weatherman pops on the screen and gives a five-day forecast that wouldn't be completely out of place in Phoenix during the summer... minus the reasonably pleasant temperatures, that is.

Manchild Martin (B.B.'s would be beau) confronts her about being Fire.  The League somehow watches this play out via monitor.  In order to throw the boy off the scent, Martian Manhunter takes the form of Fire, and literally threatens to burn the poor chap alive if he doesn't back off.  J'onn J'onzz does not eff around.

Ice heads out to steal the weather manipulator and runs into her former idol and mentor Eno, who asks her to take part in a super villain team-up.  He's on to her power set (though, she hid it sooo well), and sees a ton of potential for their alliance.  She gives him the ol' frost lip, and flees... device in tow.

The Weatherman conducts yet another broadcast, wherein he threatens the city once again.  It turns out that the device Tori stole was not the manipulator, but a tracking device.  Evil Ferrer now knows where the JLA are shacked up.  He fires a bolt of radiant energy that hits the League sub-tellite, and begins cooking the craft.  By the grace of brute strength and Barry's last stick of gum (seriously) the League (sans J'onn) are able to escape.

After observing an amazing exit montage, we are (finally) off to the end game.  Guy confronts Eno at the weather manipulator's satellite dish... just in time to watch him initiate the sequence.  A bolt of lightning crashes against the water causing a huge tidal wave to rise threatening to wipe out New Metro.

Fire and Atom fly above and look worried, as the Flash rescues a bunch of latch-key kids on the ground.  Guy threatens Eno with a chainsaw construct... which only appears to (figuratively) tickle our super villain.  Guy demands he hand over the weather manipulator, Eno outwits our Lantern by... throwing the device into the bushes.  Ruh-roh.

All appears to be lost.  People are trampling each other in the streets... the League is completely helpless.  It falls to Tori to finally get up the gumption to neutralize this threat.  She summons her power of reenacting a York Peppermint Patty commercial, and stops the wave just as it's about to wipe out New Metro.

The day (and City) is saved.  Green Lantern wrangles Mssr. Ferrer, and we are out-- what?  There's more?  Okay...

Later, at Casa Tori... the League does a house call to try to pull her back into their ranks.  Fire even went as far as crafting her a wonderfully tacky leotard.  It doesn't take a whole lot of prodding, Tori decides to sign on the dotted line, and become a full-fledged Justice Leaguer.

No sooner does she join, than her teammates all realize they have better things to do than hang around her stuffy ol' house.  Guy's got another date that he'll probably blow off... B.B. is going to meet her former stalkers new "16 year old" girlfriend... and Barry's gotta get to the next job he's going to lose as a kiddie counselor (I'm sure he's totally qualified).  The Atom, however, would rather stick around and ogle the object of his deviancy.

We close out with Ice taking the Justice League pledge, where she likely states she will remain thrifty, brave, clean and reverent... and we are finally done.

Behold your Justice League, New Metro.  May whatever deity you hold dear have mercy on your souls...
You can read a new DC comic book review by Chris Sheehan each and every day on, and follow him on Twitter @AceComics!
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