Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Sixpack & Dogwelder: Hard-Travelin’ Heroz #6 Review and **SPOILERS**

We’ll Always Have Noonan’s

Writer: Garth Ennis 
Artist: Russ Braun 
Colorist: John Kalisz 
Letterer: Pat Brosseau 
Cover Artists: Steve Dillon and John Kalisz 
Cover Price: $3.99 
On Sale Date: January 25, 2017


This is the end, beautiful friend
This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes, again

Can you picture what will be, so limitless and free
Desperately in need, of some, stranger's hand
In a, desperate land
Explain It!

We have reached the conclusion of Hard-Travelin’ Heroz, exactly where we knew we would: aboard the space shuttle Fourth of July, headed towards the colliding stars Sirius and Sirius-B, so a man cursed to weld dogs to people’s faces can save the universe. But first: John Constantine gets buggered by Bueno Excelente. I think. It might have been worse. John and Guts finally copulate…as best they can, and while in the act Bueno gets involved. This makes John puke in his space helmet, so you can decide the specifics of that scenario. That bit of unpleasantness out of the way, it’s now time for Dogwelder to do a space walk and save the universe.
Now, I’m pretty sure that a space shuttle can’t park outside of two massive, colliding stars without getting singed, at least. And I’m definitely sure you can’t spacewalk right up to said stars without being reduced to a cinder. But we can suspend our disbelief here a bit, since the fellow doing the spacewalk is Dogwelder. Resigned to his fate, and with an extra space helmet around the dog on his hand that he speaks through (the dog also gets a headset), he drifts towards the stars while Sixpack watches angrily, still salty that Dogwelder told him that they weren’t friends. Drawing some power from the other Dogwelder statues in Egypt, his welding torch is infused with ethereal, star-welding power that will stabilize this event and prevent a big explosion, or implosion, or whatever happens when stars bump into each other. Seeing Dogwelder’s success makes Sixpack swell with pride, and he notes that his pal is gonna be a hero.
Unfortunately, big heroism usually requires self-sacrifice, so that’s the end of Dogwelder. Before he goes, however, he does tell Sixpack that they shared a special bond, something he can ruminate over back at Noonan’s where the team reflects on the strange adventure they’ve had. John Constantine notes that real heroes go uncredited, that’s just the way of the world. This doesn’t sit well with Sixpack, who marches his drunken, blathering ass to a charity event attended by the Justice League and tells them off for being self-aggrandizing egotists. After this outburst, he goes outside, pukes in the gutter, then passes out in said puke while thinking of his fallen friend.
It was surprisingly touching for a book about a disgusting alcoholic and a guy that welded dogs to his kids’ faces. Here we’ve been chortling about these fellows and their odd proclivities, meanwhile they are severely tortured individuals whose lives are more of a curse than a blessing. This has been a really fun but really dark miniseries, and strangely enough it was John Constantine that provided the bulk of the comic relief. Which was likely Garth Ennis’ intention. But I bet he didn’t intend for me to campaign for a Space John Constantine comic book to come out in 2018! Let’s git crackin’, wot?

Bits and Pieces:

A bittersweet ending to a bizarre series that was a lot more personal than the DC Universe satire of the last miniseries. Expertly-executed in storytelling and art, the hyper-MAD magazine sensibilities of Hard-Travelin' Heroz may not be for everyone, but those people lack sense of humor so we don't care about their opinions. We normal people can appreciate the tumultuous friendship between a delusional alcoholic and a serial animal abuser. There, but for the grace of vomit, go I.



  1. Thanks for the review. I might also add: Space Constantine has consensual intercourse with a sentient bag of of guts. Intercourse appears to turn non-consensual when Bueno Excellente steps out of the shadows. Dog Welder saves the Universe and ends the curse of the Dog Welders. Ennis & Bruan appears to break kayfabe and it turns into a startling tribute to the dearly departed Steve Dillion. A masterpiece of juxtaposition that unfortunately no one will read, but that's what makes this special.

  2. This may not be everyone's cup of tea but it's definitely one damn good cup. Hoping for more in the future regardless of what Mr. DC says about the sales.