Let’s Just Dish
About Superman
Written By: Christos Gage
Art By: Joe Bennett, Sean Parsons, Hi-Fi
Letters By: Deron Bennett
Digital Price: Free with
purchase of 20 oz. Dr. Pepper® or Diet Dr. Pepper® or Master Pepper’s Health
Milk® or Master Pepper’s Diet Health Milk® or Admiral Pepper’s Health Milk
Elixir®
Release Date: February 3, 2016
*Non Spoilers and Score At The Bottom*
Watching over all
humanity from their satellite fortress hovering above our planet in sync with
the lunar orbit, Dr. Pepper Corp has determined in their benevolent omniscience
to throw we, the people, a bone: five digital chapters of a comic book that
serves as prequel to the upcoming film, Batman
v. Superman. All you have to do to get them is purchase some of their
teeth-rotting swill…or allow the miraculous internet to work with haste to
bring us the whole kit and caboodle, completely free! Now I’ve got to hurry up
and read the things before Dr. Pepper’s Shock Troopers take me to one of their
Peppy Re-Education Camps where I will have my mind wiped and replaced with
effervescent caramel-colored sweetness. Hardly seems worth the trouble, doesn’t
it? I do it all for you! Read on for my review!
Explain It!:
Superman is
trying to save everyone on a runaway high-speed train that looks to be coursing
through the plains of North Dakota for some reason. I mean, normally you don’t
see train tracks laid on a short ridge in the middle of nowhere, but then you
also don’t normally see a guy flying around, shooting lasers from his eyeballs.
As he attempts to save the train’s passengers, caption boxes more or less
detail and praise everything Superman does, describing the complex calculations
and decisions he must have been making at a split-second rate. Thing is, his
attempt is fairly well a short series of successive failures, as he cuts away
couplings with his heat vision, and then stands in front of the train to slow
it down, and then flies on top of it to glide it into a safe landing…you don’t
know what the fuck you’re doing, do
you Superman?
Superman does
gently place two cars full of passengers onto the aforementioned surrounding
plain; there are no casualties. The shot then changes to a television studio, where
three people are on some unnamed Point/Counterpoint
type show, debating the merits, or lack thereof, of Superman. Mr. Weidman of
the Anti-Supes contingent and Prof. Garcia of the Pro-Supes coalition have,
more or less, the same discussion superhero fans have had for decades: what if
Superman wigs out? Does absolute power corrupt absolutely? Why doesn’t he get
involved in politics? Does his costume have a butt flap to facilitate pooping?
Many of these questions (except for that last one) are addressed in the other
chapters, so don’t worry if you just can’t find the bottle of Dr. Pepper with
Senator Finch on the label. It’s practically the same shit as this. Once again,
this chapter ends with Luthor acting like a creeper.
This comic looks
fine, but is a little too wordy considering what happens therein, which is
nothing. Superman’s got his supporters, his detractors, and somehow I think
that point will be driven home in the first fifteen minutes of the movie that
comes out in March. This comic has all of the fun of watching two blowhards
argue on television, without actually seeing or hearing said blowhards. Save
yourself some juvenile diabetes and skip this snoozer.
Bits and Pieces:
This comic was
weird. I liked the basic idea—that we learn about Superman through the
observations of others—but the execution was a little off. A little more of the
post-Man of Steel world is revealed,
but I’m not sure that it tells us a whole lot of value. Superman clumsily saves
a bunch of people from disaster, so I guess he’s doing that now. I dunno. It’s
tough to complain about a free comic book. But then it’s also tough to read a
comic solely about a conversation. My
Dinner With Andre, this is not.
5.5/10
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