Thursday, February 12, 2015

Klarion #5 Review

Written by: Ann Nocenti
Art by: Trevor McCarthy and Syzmon Kudranski
Cover Price: $2.99
Release Date: February 11, 2015

Darkness, My Only Friend

WTF!?!  I really wish I knew what the hell this book was about.  Sure, I understand the pieces of the puzzle...Klarion, buddybots, the Moody Museum, pagan magic, Zell, ect.  However, when the pieces are put together, my head starts spinning and I get a headache.  There is so much wrong with this book between the ridiculous characters, awful dialogue and confusing story that we should all be glad that we have just one issue left after this one. Ann Nocenti's evil reign may finally be over, but I will miss Trevor McCarthy's art which is awesome. It's not a huge deal since it's pretty much wasted on this book anyway.  This issue continues the trend that was set from the first page of this series...Awesome art, awful everything else.

This book looks so good.  I love Trevor McCarthy and Syzmon Kudranski's art and layouts so much. I also have to give a huge shoutout to Guy Major's colors.  The three of these guys combine to make this book look kick ass and so, so pretty.  Then there is the Nocenti problem.

I have had the pleasure of reviewing three of Nocenti's books over the past couple of years.  They all sucked!  Seriously, the best job you can ever get at DC Comics is to follow Ann on a book.  Jeff Lemire and Genevieve Valentine may not be mean enough to admit it, but we all know it's true. Nobody will get that sweet gig here, however, since Klarion is hitting the bricks in June.

If you are reading this book, you know how bad it is.  I'm sure there are some of you out there that will lie to yourselves, trying your best to pretend to like it, but you know you don't.  Nobody does.  If you are on the fence and are looking for a reason to give it a try, don't look here.  I will never tell anyone, friend or foe, to read this book.  I will however, submit a couple of gems from this issue as proof of it's horribleness.  I would point out that they are written down here without context, but there is hardly any context to speak of in the book itself.

"Magic is nothing but a future we haven't met yet."--That actually sounds like the dark poetry I tried to write in sixth grade.  Wait, it wasn't that bad.

"Charisma is a slippery thing.  It spoils.  It turns.  It curdles."--I used to think charisma was a good thing.  Now I see it's actually milk left outside in the middle of August.

"What's love anyway?  Habit with Pheromones."--Tina Turner couldn't have said it better herself.

I know this all might sound like a case of hate for hate's sake.  It's not.  I spent $2.99 on this book and as a reviewer I feel it is my duty to keep you from doing the same.  The book hasn't been good from the start, this issue isn't good and the series has been canceled.  Unless you've been reading since the beginning and/or you are a sadist, steer clear.  Use the $2.99 on something more worthy.  You can thank me later.

Bits and Pieces:

This is the part where I usually sum up the issue and my review, but let's not waste any more time. This book looks great, but everything else about it stinks on ice.  Avoid it at all costs, especially the $2.99 DC is trying to take from you.


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