Friday, May 23, 2014

Top 5 Fridays: Bizarre Weddings In The DC Universe

Last week I promised that I'd have a more positive beat to this week's Top 5 Fridays, and for the most part I think I have.  I think most people find weddings to be a positive thing, not me of course but I think most people do.  Anyway my buddy Bruno proposed to his girlfriend last weekend and I figured that since it's a positive and since he's my best friend I'd dedicate this week's list to him and his new fiancee's future wedding and all together happiness.  Okay now with all that sappy shit out of the way let's get back to talking about comics, and the messed up weddings they were apart of.  Check out the Top 5 Bizarre Weddings In The DC Universe.

#5.  Superman and Lois Lane

What's bizarre about Superman and Lois Lane's wedding?  Well besides for the fact that the two courted for half a century, and in order to get married the groom had to come back from the dead.  I guess nothing.  This was always a weird wedding for me because the writers for Superman had to wait for Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman to get married in order for the comics to follow suit.  I understand that at the time Lois and Clark was a pretty big show, especially with the dismal live action history that DC has had with their heroes, but do the comics really have to reflect a TV obsessed America?  Is it only real if Dean Cain does it?  I don't know, but what I do know is that since the writers of the comics couldn't make The Married Man of Steel before the show did, they got fed up and said "fuck it.  We'll kill him".  So the idea of this marriage led to Superman's death which crashed the comic book industry.  There's your bizarre.

#4.  Barry Allen and Iris West

See anything bizarre in this cover?  Barry Allen and The Flash? Whhhaaaa?  This Bizarre wedding would have been a way better flick than any of the Hangover movies, and would of included time travel.  Who doesn't love time travel?  Professor Zoom switches places with Flash the day before his wedding, and disguises himself to look like Barry to completely takeover The Flash's life.  So Flash is stuck in a prison cell in the 25th century, while the Reverse Flash is set to steal his honey moon away from him.  Well don't worry kids, The Flash gets back in time before the "I Do's" are said, and even after all the nonsense of the Flash apparently kidnapping her husband then him just mysteriously returning she still marries Barry without question, and he has the satisfaction of knowing Professor Zoom is in prison, and he's the one who gets to deflower his wife.  What do we learn from this wedding?  Barry's a liar that's what we learn.  Barry will go through all this silliness to get married to Iris, but he still won't tell her he's The Flash.  So you get married for a few years then one day you just walk out of the bedroom and tell your wife that you like to wear tights when you flash.  That's grounds for divorce my friend.

#3.  Donna Troy and Terry Long

I don't even know what you want me to say about this bizarre wedding.  It's a Teen Titan and a lecherous old professor that likes touching teens.  It's gross.  For some reason when working towards the anniversary issue of Tales of The Teen Titans the writers decided to take the creep factor up a notch and have the team hottie go for her teacher.  Let's crank up the bizarre a bit and try and make a PSA.  Marrying a older man may result in getting pregnant young, then having to fight your child who has now become Lord Chaos in the future, then having your powers removed to safe guard said future, then resenting your family because you don't have any powers, and eventually your entire family will die in a car crash.  This is what happened to Donna Troy.  Young women of the world, don't be Donna Troy.  But really he was a creeper and he might have deserved it.  Moving on.

#2.  Plastic Man and Penny

Hell it's Plastic Man it's bizarre right off the bat, but if you watch the video above of the Plastic Man Comedy Adventure Hour you will see the fastest turn around from being single, to saying "I Do", and BAM! you already have yourself a Baby Plas of your own.  Looking at Plastic Man's getup alone how the hell did Penny say "I Do" at all?  Really if you want to dig deep into this marriage's psychology you really have to take a step back and wonder what the hell is wrong with Penny?  You have a young attractive woman who's into a stretchy wacko, and when she gives birth to said wacko's devil spawn, she names him Baby Plas and dresses him in the same outfit as his deep V loving father.  Really I just wanted to remind people that Plastic Man once had his own cartoon show, and once I watched the intro again, I couldn't help but throw it on the list because it's just out there.  So what's the most bizarre?  Let's find out.

#1.  Gorilla Grodd and Bizarro

Yeah definitely fucking bizarre right there.  But one thing we can learn from the Robot Chicken Vs. DC Special 2 is that DC doesn't oppose gay marriage.  Hell they don't even oppose interspecies gay marriage.  So we can just leave that little argument alone for awhile.  But the real bizarre shit is in case you haven't seen this special yet, poor Bizarro has that terrible problem of reversing everything he means.  So when asked if he takes Gorilla Grodd's hand in marriage he adamantly yells "Yes!"  Poor poor Bizarro.  For all of you that oppose this being #1 on the list because you don't believe it to be in the DC Universe, all I can say in my defense is, it could be a  parallel Earth.  I haven't seen all the multiverse, how would I know?  Also Geoff Johns worked on this and he seems like a man that knows what he's doing.

There you go a more positive list this week, and I even made it a little bizarre for you.  It's spring time and love is in the air, and if you can do one thing for me this week or whenever actually, I'd like you to take your love in your arms and think of Bizarro and Gorilla Grodd.  Have a great weekend, and I'll see you in seven.  Boosh!

Side note:  I said Bizarre fourteen times during this Top 5.  Just thought you'd like to know.

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