Friday, December 8, 2017

Legends of Tomorrow: Beebo the God of War - Review and **SPOILERS**

Written By: Grainne Godfree and James Eagan

Directed By: Kevin Mock

First Aired: December 5, 2017

Legends of Tomorrow is my favorite of the CW shows despite the fact that I cannot look at main character Sarah Lance without thinking about her character on the show Madmen.  So I am happy to be back with the crew of the Wave Rider as they travel throughout time.

This season we find the gang in conflict with Rip Hunter's revamped Time Bureau and trying to fix all of the anomalies they caused when they broke time last season.  The big bad this season seems to be vanquished Arrow villain Damian Darhk and his grown up daughter Nora.  

Also Dr. Martin Stein aka half of Firestorm died in Crisis on Earth X.  This was a long time coming because IRL he is a noted song and dance man and he booked himself a big time Broadway musical. So fuck all this super hero shit bro.

Caught up? Good. Let's get to the proceedings. 

Explain It:

This week we start off in the early 1990's where a much younger version of the now deceased Martin Stein is trying to buy his daughter a Beebo, which is an off brand version of Teddy Ruxpin, and apparently the must have item of the holiday season.  Props to Marty for firing the first salvo in the War on Christmas by co-opting the ugly Christmas sweater and rocking an ugly Hanukkah number instead. 

Marty manages to get his hands on the very last Beebo doll and the savage holiday hoard gives chase trying to take his rightfully gotten gains.  During the pursuit Marty is sucked up in a time warp and sent back to 1000AD where he encounters Leif Erickson and his merry band of Vikings. 

Back on the Wave Runner, woke ass Earth X Snart (EXS) is trying to help the Legends deal with Marty's passing by using a puppet therapy.  Eventually Mick beats the ever loving shit out of the puppet.

The Wave Runner detects a level 12 anomaly back in 1000AD which has caused America to become the Viking homeland. Some currently unknown event caused them to change course and take over the continent rather than head back to their homeland. That event of course, Marty Stein and Beebo.  

The Viking Tribe think Beebo and his limited vocab are some sort of god which shows you just how fucking stupid Vikings and people who are into Vikings actually are.  We should also note that people who are really into Vikings are definitely racists swine.  Just look how many of those Norwegian Black Metal types let their satanic fervor morph into some Viking racial purity bullshit.  

Anyway. The crew heads back to 1000AD 'Murica and they run into a captured Marty Stein, who they save and bring back to the Wave Rider, which of course gives Jax all sorts of feelings. Speaking of Jax?  Why are his shirts always hella long and ill fitting?  

Sarah reaches out to Agent Sharpe to discuss the anomaly and ask for her to help them out.  She signs off with the holiday well wish of "Happy Beebo Day". Gideon, the Wave Riders sexy British A.I. system informs the crew the the anomaly is cementing itself and they better lock that shit down on the quick fast.  My question is why?  Don't they realize that 'Murica is in the shitter right now?  I mean can it really be worse than the leadership we have now?  They are advocating for pedophiles, racists, violent sexual predators and snake oil salesmen at this point. Sure Vikings suck, but they don't suck as much as the Trumps and the MAGA trolls. 

The EXS/Mick dynamic is bringing us to exciting places.  EXS is worried that Mick is drinking to much and he programs Gideon to replace all the booze with near beer or some shit.  EXS kind of sucks, though he has the best salt/pepper hair coloring in the game. 

The Legends decide to infiltrate the Beebo day celebration and Gideon hooks them up with some killer Viking cosplay gear. The goal is to steal Beebo away from the inbred Viking assholes and hope that it solves the problem but because Viking party everyone ends up getting white girl drunk.  Sarah and Sharpe get their full flirt on and Mick ventures off to Beebo's alter to find that good hooch but finds himself caught out by sister Erickson. 

Sister Erickson puts a quick halt on the party to inform everyone that their guests have ulterior motives and ask Beebo what should be done with the infiltrator. Beebo says some shit like "I Like Hugs" or whatever the fuck cute stuffed satanic teddy bears would say and the Vikings interpret this as "LET'S BURN THIS FUCKER ALIVE". Which, when you think about it makes total sense, because that the lens that irrational white people view the world through. 

Jax and Zari, who did not make the trip to ye olde Viking times, are back on the Wave Rider playing some Mortal Combat, as one does. Zari is talking all sorts of shit to Jax about how he should let Marty know that he is going to die from a Nazi bullet in 2017. Zari is always starting shit, she is kind of an asshole. Jax needs to get the fuck over it already. Marty was like 70 years old. He lived a good life and died a heroic death. What more could a man ask for?  At best he had another few years before cancer or dementia got him like it will get us all. Let the man die with dignity. 

That is the problem with our country isn't it?  

The old people refusing to die off at a respectable age like 58. We got everyone living until they are 97 and voting for assholes because they are afraid "the blacks" are getting to uppity and blaming "the gays" and "the immigrants" for all their problems. Fucking old people used to have class bro. 

Let it fucking go already Jax.

The Vikings are getting ready to burn Mick alive but EXS steps up and puts out the pyre with his freeze ray. Vixen and Nate get caught trying to steal Beebo, because like all toys possessed by former serial killers, Beebo can't shut the fuck up, and blows up their spot. A massive brawl breaks as will happen when white people get frat party drunk and the Legends kick the shit out of the Vikings.  In the process of the brawl, Mick takes his flame gun to Beebo, killing off that asshole once and for all.  

Sharpe calls it an Odin Day miracle, and everyone is like "what's with this Pagan war on Christmas bullshit bruh?" And Sharpe all all, "What the fuck is Christmas?" giving Fox news all the ammunition it needs to get Roy Moore elected in Alabama. Also, at that exact moment Damien Darhk and Nora show up in full cosplay mode and the Vikings, because they are stupid primitive people, like the ones in the bible who believe burning trees are talking to them, bow the fuck down.

Rather than fight Vikings and the Darhks, the crew heads back to the Wave Rider to regroup.  Sarah asks Sharpe to call the Time Bureau and ask for help. 

Jax heads out to drop Marty back in 1992, where Jax tries to force Marty to take a letter and tells him not to open it until November 2017. Marty cold disses him for this wack as fuck Back to the Future bullshit, which he correctly notes was a shitty movie, and breaks the fuck out. 

After a brief Mick and EXS blow up Agent Sharpe gets called back to the Time Bureau. Apparently the entire time line is fucked up beyond belief because of the Darhks. They even have a 1st grader's rendition of Grodd bashing down the Great Wall of China. Shit just got real son!  Someone really needs to make sure they kill this Darhk asshole off once and for all. 

Sarah is fixing to send the rest of the Legends off while she goes and takes out Darhk mano-a-mano style. Of course the Legends aren't having that shit. So the gang develops their plan of attack Guy Ritchie montage style. Of course said plan doesn't work out as the gang hoped and Darhk survived, but they just may have killed his daughter, so that is a plus. 

At the end of the fight, Sarah finds herself pulled into the Legends version of the Stranger Things upside down where she is taunted by Mallus, who is some sort of time demon. I actually thought they were calling him Malice and I all I kept thinking was that we were going to get the Legends vs. The Clipse!

Sharpe pulls Sarah out of the off brand upside down, they spend a few seconds flirting and then she drops a Merry Christmas. It looks like this Viking time line is finally wrapped. 

PS. I am totally shipping Sarah and Sharpe. 

Jax asks Gideon if she has any updates on Marty post Nazi shooting. Turns out Marty is still dead. So Jax pushes the issue and goes back to 92 to find out why Marty didn't read the letter.  Marty drops that heavy truth about living a good life and accepting his death. He burnt the letter instead of reading it and told Jax to move the fuck on and to stop stalking his Facebook timeline. 

Jax gets back to the Wave Rider to find Sarah waiting for him. He lets her know that he needs to break out and figure out what he is going to do with his life and asks Sarah not to tell the crew until he is out.  Obvi Sarah ain't gonna do that, instead they decide to have a final dinner together that also serves as their Christmas dinner.  

After dinner, Sarah drops Jax off. She wishes him well and let's him know he will always have a home on the Wave Rider. 

When Sarah gets back to the Wave Rider she is met by everyone's favorite British occultist - JOHN MUTHAFUCKING CONSTANTINE!!!!!!!!

John is cashing in his chit for saving Sarah from the demon that possessed her a few years back.  Apparently there is a little girl that is possessed by another demon and she is name dropping Sarah. 

And with that, the first half of the season is done.  See you again in February.



  1. Please, God. . .Let John Muthafuckin' Constantine become a regular part of Legends!

  2. I would watch JMFC sell shit on QVC at this point if it meant more JMFC time.