Friday, July 18, 2014

Top 5 Fridays: Top 5 Worst Sidekicks In DC Comics

With Teen Titans being relaunched this week and with all the possibilities of team members that might join in the future.......... and because I already did a Top 5 on characters I'd like to see join the Titans, I got frustrated and became a Negative Nancy which led to this week's list of Top 5 Worst Sidekicks In DC Comics.

Originally the Teen Titans seemed like a vehicle to get the sidekicks out from under their mentor's capes and get them into action so that they could be more relatable to a younger audience.  Yeah it's not exactly that way now but you will still get the occasional sidekick in the mix and this list is for those out there that should never make it on a team or even be mentioned again, because they're just awful.  So let's get into this week's list of Top 5 Worst Sidekicks In DC Comics.

#5.  Pete Ross

Yeah it's Pete Ross, but not the one you like from the comics or from Smallville, but that awful ginger kid from The Man of Steel.  You might be claiming shenanigans about old Petey being a sidekick, but he was the one who helped a young Clark Kent defeat the forces of evil as Superboy.  Hell he even knew and kept Superboy's secret identity, which normally would keep someone like him off this kind of list.  I really think that it's the Pete Ross from Man of Steel's jerk off face that made me resent that character and landed him here.  You might think that's a petty reason, but just look up and stare at fatty's face and tell me you don't start getting pissed off.  Lousy ginger ruining Pete Ross for me.

#4.  Doiby Dickles

This character that looks like the love child of Bibbo and Mxyzptlk from Superman was the once sidekick to the original Green Lantern Alan Scott.  Besides for him being an uggo, it was also deemed that he needed an annoying trait and that came in the form of a awful Brooklyn accent that makes him pronounce things with an oy like his name that should be Derby Dickles but because of his speech impediment becomes Doiby Dickles.  Because people liked him more than Nazi's this character survived World War II, but was eventually written out by going into outer space to marry an alien princess.  Obviously aliens are both kind and near sighted.

#3.  Woozy Winks

Just like Doiby this fat slop of shit follows around a super hero and is branded a sidekick.  I have an idea, let's take a zany out of control character and pair him up with a dimwit and see how it goes.  I have no idea how this pair ever got anything accomplished because Eel O'Brian was never known for his brains, so pairing up with Woozy just doesn't make sense.  There is one exception though because some stories made it seem that old Wooze had some sort of eidetic memory but only when it concerned criminals and their rap sheets.  My favorite story featuring Woozy is my favorite because it involves bad things happening to him.  In Plastic Man Special from 1999, Woozy was a smart government agent who had the misfortune of being paired up with Plastic Man and then he was locked in........ well a locker with a wounded Plastic Man, Eel's blood was like airplane glue that left Woozy....... well Woozy.  His brain was never right again and looking at his dumb gumpy face, that just makes me smile.

#2.  Uncle Marvel

Uncle Marvel really should be the worst on this list because let's look at this creeper's origin.  Just some fat old man that happens to pick up Mary Marvel's diary and learns her super alter ego.  Then he goes to her and claims that he's her uncle from California and her legal guardian.  This is almost the equivalent to getting into a free candy van.  Eventually Shazam and Mary Marvel figure out the pedophile lookalike's ruse, but decide what the hell he's harmless enough to keep around.  So if the Marvel family didn't have enough to worry about now they have this old stranger hanging out pretending to have superpowers.  Yeah I'm sure villains didn't take advantage of that.  So far this list has made me happy that we have things called retcons.

#1.  Pieface

Fucking Pieface.  How the hell was this ever considered okay?  Now I'll gladly call the Man of Steel's Pete Ross a lousy ginger, but I'm not one of the world's biggest comic distributors out there either.  The reason Thomas Kalmaku, Pieface to his supposed friends makes this list because not only did he help out the dick hole Hal Jordan but continued to after he was repeatedly called Pieface.  Why the fuck would you let that continue?  Was it simple hero worship that made him let this go on?  Pieface makes the #1 spot because of his complete apathy towards discrimination.  You'd think this kind of thing would stop but John Stewart was almost named Lincoln Washington when he was created.

That's it for this week's Top 5 Fridays, make sure you check out the relaunch of Teen Titans where we can see proper sidekicks in action and remember discrimination is never okay, unless it's against a fat ginger who wants to out Clark for having super powers.  Have a great week and I'll see you in seven.  Boosh!

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